Although it seems like Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty have only just celebrated (with a kiss) the latter’s early release from Wormwood Scrubs prison, the two wastrels are back at it again. This time, the pair celebrated the news that Winehouse won’t face criminal charges over her notorious crack-smoking video. This lovely development is due to the smashingly brilliant drug laws of England:

In law, proof of possession needs a substance to be found on an individual and for that substance to be forensically tested and proved to contain a banned substance.

… video evidence alone was not enough to secure a conviction.

Although Winehouse is worth $20 million dollars, she looked her usual unkempt self as she and Doherty attempted to get into a jazz club after it had shut down for the night. Then, the duo stopped off at a petrol station where Doherty purchased the latest NME magazine, which features his mug on the cover. In the interim, Doherty really should have checked his head.

This episode bears a strong resemblance to Pete Doherty’s last crotch problem, but ’tis not nearly as hilariously painful as the problem with David Beckham’s crotch. You win some, eh mates?

By now, most of Pete Doherty’s masochistic fans are aware of his primary YouTube alias, “1waytikt2tickletown,” through which he has posted several videos including the following: (1) “I’ll Kill Her,” described by Doherty as “fibsnuff,” and (2) “I’ll Kill Him,” which was filmed at Hotel France Albion and appears to function as the video for “Maybelline,” a new Babyshambles demo. Both of these videos are loosely described as short murder mysteries without any sense of mystery or filmmaking ability, but it’s not like that even matters when we’re talking about England’s oft-celebrated token junkie minstrel.

In addition to that well-known YouTube stop, Doherty also has another account that contains a few “films” of comparable quality. One video shows Pete and one of his mate’s mothers tickling each other while some background dude claims to be a journalist from News Of The World. It’s actually quite amusing, so check it below:

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So much crap to shovel through, mates. Pete Doherty is scheduled to defend last year’s win at the Celebrity Soccer Six tournament this weekend. The above photo demonstrates how pleased Doherty was to capture last year’s title on behalf of Babyshambles. Our excessive coverage of last year’s event can be found here as well as some supplementary video clippage of Doherty’s winning goal against Johnny Borrell of Razorlight.

In other quickie antihero news, a fake story has circulated that cheated on his drug test by switching pee cups with another prisoner, but this turns out to be based upon a very dated account Doherty gave of his pre-incarceration drug testing. In addition, unsubstantiated reports are circling concerning a drug-fueled shovel stint involving one of Doherty’s fabled feline friends. All of this is likely just rubbish, but as absurd as Doherty often appears, people are gonna believe this crap.

Last evening, Doherty joined his band for the group’s first gig since their lead singer’s prison release, and reviews of Babyshambles’ performance are begrudgingly postive:

Say what you like about Pete Doherty, he knows how to make a dramatic entrance. Fresh out of jail for the umpteenth time, Britain’s most sybaritic singer played a rowdy sell-out show. In Rat Pack suit and dapper trilby, Doherty appeared in rude health and good spirits. The overall mood of the evening was celebratory, even during the minor bout of booing that punctuated the cheers.

All the same, he gave an energetic performance last night, rattling through ramshackle crowd-pleasers including Pipedown, Delivery and Kilimangiro. To his champions, Doherty is a guttersnipe sage and icon of dissolute cool. To his detractors he is an overhyped mockney Artful Dodger, a third division talent with a premier league profile.

Doherty concluded his night with a rousing bit of celebration at the home of Amy Winehouse. Then, the situation grew much worse.

Spit-Swap Imagery: Daily Mail

It certainly won’t surprise anyone to learn that I have an abundance of Doherty information to share. However, some bits still require a wee bit of research & verification, so look for more junkie-related goodness to come. On with the show, mates!

Yesterday morning, when Pete Doherty walked out of Wormwood Scrubs prison, waving a medical certificate for testing clean of drugs, he told NME.com exclusively, “I feel great – I’ve walked out and I don’t feel like I want to score,” he added. “I feel like I want to go for a nice walk in the park instead.” And, that, mates, is exactly what Doherty did:

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Well, mates… it seems the long wait shall soon be over, for Pete Doherty shall leave Wormwood Scrubs prison on Tuesday. Yes, he will have only served 29 days out of his original 98 day sentence, but prisons are overcrowded, y’all:

As the early release sparked fury, a pal revealed: “He’s planning to go straight to play a gig — and then get smashed.

“He wants no business appointments for three days — so he can really go for it.”

Indeed, I am quite looking forward to the newly reformed Pete Doherty. After all, his first stint of hard time — an almost unendurable 4 days of 2005 in Pentonville Prison — clearly did so much good. Meanwhile, The Sun has decided to make up more shit about a hilariously conceived conversion-to-Islam rumour. So much for that other religion…

Obviously, Pete Doherty’s temporary departure from society has really shaken up the English redtops, who don’t quite know what to do with themselves whilst Amy Winehouse is sleeping off the previous night’s bender. So, there is the rehashing of some old news of Pete’s blood paintings of himself, Kate Moss, and whatever else he fancies to scrawl with his trusty syringe. These tabloids speculate that Pete is selling off the paintings to pay his prison drug debts, and isn’t it such a tragedy that the so-called artist couldn’t make the gallery launch event? Whatever. This exhibit is actually a rehashed version of is an old “Bloodworks” showcase (we covered it in May 2007) that’s finally making its rounds to Paris.

In addition to the above sampler, you can see the entirety of the exhibit at the Bankrobber Museum of London website, where Doherty was showcased along such upstanding members of society as Damien Hirst.

Let’s see what else…. a correction comes today to our regretful participation in the Doherty eviction story, which we admittedly only published for the Photoshop factor. It seems that Doherty’s landlord, the Earl of Cardigan, denies evicting the wastrel from his rented home. Lord Cardigan emphatically stated, “I have not evicted him. You shouldn’t believe what you read in newspapers.” Natch.

Finally, Pete has allegedly been returning fan mail during his prison haze, and “die-hard fan” hopes to clear him of allegations of drug taking whilst in prison.

In his reply to one fan’s mail, Doherty writes, “All the best from The Scrubs. Tell ‘em I’m clean, countin! the days until the next freedom gig! Yours, Pete D.”

Hmm. Well, since this guy is a die-hard fan, he must be telling the truth. Oh, bullocks!

With all due respect, a landlord would be pretty stupid to rent a home to Pete Doherty, whose former grafitti-and-blood-stained hovel has been well documented on the internets. Yet, in particular, why would the owner of the “former home of Lord Justice Wright of Durley” risk such a historical landmark in the hands of the most infamous junkie in Britain? The aforementioned owner recently visited the premises and was shocked to see the home in total disarray. Not to mention the obvious smell…

“Pete is homeless, broke and owes thousands to dealers. He destroyed the place by scribbling on the walls, the floor, anywhere he felt like it.

“The beautiful heavy curtains were ripped down and the cats are just running around abandoned. It’s a really pathetic state of affairs…

“No one in their right mind is going to rent him a property after what he did.”

To pile misery upon bloody misery, Pete’s mates have supposedly been visiting his home to retrieve his possessions and sell them. So, some famewhore, Stefano Passantino, is setting up a “Pete Doherty Welfare Fund” to help the junkie recover after prison. Whatever.

In other half-naked junkie news, some unconfirmed reports would have us believe that Doherty has moved to an isolation unit after a thwarted plot by prisoners to maim and cripple him. Good times, mate.

Oh, bloody hell, mates! We’ve got ourselves some authentic Pete Doherty toothbrush pr0n direct from his prison cell. Admittedly, this is no Matthew McConaughey toothbrush pr0n, but we’ll totally take what we can get. Besides, this means that Doherty actually brushes his choppers, which is quite the revelation in itself, and I never thought I would actually recommend some hair product, but Pete could definitely use some of that too.

The Sun has paid someone quite the tidy little sum for the following tidbits (and piccies) on Doherty’s continued illicit drug use:

A fellow inmate said: “We can’t believe how much he’s still clucking for it. They put him inside to force him to give up but Pete always has a need to feed his habit.”

Doherty was banged up for 3½ months last week for failing to take drug tests ordered by a court after he admitted possessing heroin, crack, cannabis and the horse tranquiliser ketamine.

He is sharing a cell in the Scrubs’ Connibere detox wing with a 28-year-old drug dealer.

Doctors are giving him heroin substitute methadone in a bid to wean him off. But the rocker is topping up with the real thing. The fellow inmate said: “He hasn’t received his prison wage yet so he’s getting the drugs on credit and writing IOUs.”

The inmate said: “He usually signs his name next to a scribbled smiley face with a trilby.”

Of course, this news should all be taken like all other Doherty-related news — with a grain of methadone — and, hot damn, I ♥ Hecklerspray for their take on the subject:

Pete Doherty is back taking all the heroin he can get his hands on in prison. That’s a report that comes from a prisoner, so it must be true, because everyone knows that prisoners are the nicest, most honest group of people in the world.

At any rate, someone (a prison guard?) snapped these piccies with a cell phone and sold them for a tidy profit. So much for those rumours of 5-star hotel treatment in solitary confinement. Jeeves, hurry up with that caviar, would you?