AB: Dude, if for some reason I disappear….
just know that the Scientologists did it.

Flea: Now wondering if there is a Scientology Hostel.

AB: Yes. They drill the thetans out of your body.

Flea: Damn thetans! And then you get a tattoo of L. Ron Hubbard’s face.

AB: Hahahaaaaa! Nooooo. Don’t point that e-meter at me! Hey, this isn’t funny anymore….

To Be Continued.

AB: Gurgle.
AB: I’m in PAIN.
Steve H: hi i’m writing an email to my agent, telling him i think we should keep the more racist parts in my book
AB: Oi. that’s the spirit
Steve H: what’s funnier. a man being forcibly quarantined after a bite from a diseased emu, or a widow who wants to patent a home circumcision kit that uses propane?
AB: um….the second one. because it would never happen.
AB: i don’t think my agent understands how much material i have, or how many nigerians i have driven to the verge of suicide
AB: how would you ever know if they hopped off a cliff?
Steve H: he’s suggesting i go with the emu thing for my sample chapter. but then i can’t do the one where i told the guy i was attacked by prairie dogs
AB: heh. such trials and tribulations
Steve H: i think the all-time best one was where i said i had tourette’s, but it was short
AB: did you start cursing?
Steve H: yeah i said i had tourette’s, only it was for typing
AB: and?
Steve H: he claimed he was british so i interrupted the email with LIMEY! FORESKIN! TEATS! and then went on as if nothing had happened
AB: um. that’s normal when having an IM conversation with strangers
AB: BUGGER OFF! that’s a good one for the brits.
Steve H: i never looked at it that way
AB: bugger off.
Steve H: people don’t use “teats” often enough
AB: fook
AB: uh…blood pudding!!!
Steve H: william butler teats
AB: hah
Steve H: i’m not sure if it means the nipple or the whole bag or what
AB: i think it’s the latter.
AB: no the former.
Steve H: my heart is beating…it keeps reteating…for you constantly….
Sadie: uh
Steve H: sorry i was free associating. obscure jazz reference
AB: just watch bridget jones and then you’ll have the brit tourette syndrome
AB: wanker
Steve H:is that the fat girl with the small panties
AB: yeah
AB: not fat fat. just not stick-figure
Steve H: she was a cow. i like ‘em like calista flockheart. on life support. that’s sexy
AB: heh. um….but don’t you LIKE food?
Steve H: i get highly aroused listening to the carpenters
AB: ew
Steve H: just because i’m a lardass doesn’t mean i put up with women who eat
AB: i love how guys have their “standards,” yet don’t keep themselves in shape
Steve H: don’t curse the darkness. light a candle. and hand me a twinkie
AB: it’s so true
AB: ding dong. those are better.
Steve H: no straight guy says “hand me a ding dong”

Steve H: I cannot answer your message as I am busy re-inflating my girlfriend.
Sadie: Wow. Nice reply.
Steve H: i’m bidding on a skillet. the tension here is palpable
Sadie: Hahahaaaaaa.
Steve H: what party am i missing?
Sadie: …..
Steve H: it’s not tupperware i hope.
Sadie: fuck tupperware. Disco = Pulp Fiction.
Steve H: now you’re talking about my girlfriend again
Steve H: i have seen pulp fiction, but the disco quote is not in my memory banks
Sadie: john travolta is looking for the bar…and uma is directing him from her perch
Sadie: and when he finally finds it, she says, “Disco”
Steve H: ….
Sadie: Pretty deep, huh?
Steve H: must be a california thing. i never know what those people are saying
Sadie: Hmm. You must have enjoyed the gimp scenes too much to notice the greatness of Uma.
Steve H: to me, disco means jean jackets and white men dancing badly
Steve H: oh god i’m having doubleknit flashbacks
Sadie: So what are you wearing?
Steve H: only 23 minutes until skillet time. i’m sweating bullets
Steve H: i’m wearing a cast iron gimp outfit
Steve H: how about you
Sadie: …..
Steve H: i’m willing to go 23 bucks on this skillet. no higher
Sadie: hah - you are obsessed
Steve H: it’s sexy when men have a lot of cookware, right?
Sadie: it depends.
Sadie: jeff dahmer had a lot of cookware, I’m sure
Steve H: and he was sexy
Steve H: that proves i’m right
Sadie: nope
Steve H: i don’t think 55 gallon drums count as cookware

Hog On Ice recently audioblogged with one of his birds, which kinda ties in nicely with a recent conversation:

Sadie: How is it that the Daily Kos can charge $5000 for a weekly blogad?
Sadie: You should probably raise your prices.
Steve H: 500,000 visits/day, mostly from spambots
Sadie: Even I charge more than you do.
Steve H: i lowered them until the ads started selling
Sadie: OH. Good point.
Steve H: my readers are cheap fuckers
Steve H: pardon the expression
Sadie: ……
Steve H: …….
Steve H: boobs weigh a lot
Sadie: right
Steve H: it’s deceptive
Sadie: okay now i’m laughing
Steve H: sorry
Sadie: hmm. okay go kiss marv for me … i’m gonna do my work dammit
Steve H: i’ll whack him with a sock full of marbles
Sadie: ooh
Steve H: he gets off on that
Sadie: do you ever put him on the ceiling fan?
Sadie: i did that once
Steve H: no he can’t hold on
Sadie: not fast
Steve H: i have threatened him with the garbage disposal
Sadie: yeah … it was neat. then there was the masturbating cockatiel.
Sadie: a story for another time perhaps.
Steve H: yeah hold onto that one

Steve H: i’m emailing a nigerian
Steve H: what are you wearing
Steve H: make it good i’m out of coffee
AB: uh …. nothing particularly appealing. at the moment.
AB: enjoy your nigerians
Steve H: ….
AB: ….
Steve H: it’s nice having trackbacks again, even if most of them are for incest prOn and penis enlargement
AB: hah.
AB: I get lots of beastiality stuff. makes me wonder.
AB: not curious. just yah. nevermind.
Steve H: Someone knows your dark secrets
AB: shut up
Steve H: the thing that bugs me most is the granny stuff
AB: yeah …. granny sex, granny MILF, granny and donkey
Steve H: who LOOKS at that crap
AB: velociman
Steve H: they should torture prisoners of war with it
AB: ….
Steve H: I think toilets are made to hold 600 pound people