Much to the dismay of the Church of Scientology, the story of the Scientology cruise ship Freewinds and its lethal cargo of blue asbestos just keeps hanging around and popping up where it’s least welcome. (A comparison could be drawn here with asbestos itself, but let’s not get heavy-handed.) Reports are emerging that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been told to seek medical attention after the couple were exposed to asbestos at the $100K birthday bash thrown in Tom’s honor last February. (Query: since Tom was born in July, was this fete seven months late or five months early?) Exposure to blue asbestos can lead to mesothelioma, which is generally fatal within a matter of months, so there is some cause for concern here. But at least Tom and Katie aren’t alone in their worries. Reportedly John Travolta and Kelly Preston have been urged to get themselves checked out as well.

Nor does the list end there. Other celebrities present at the party include Lisa Marie Presley, Juliette Lewis and keyboard legend Chick Corea, among others. In fact, given that the problem has been known but not addressed for more than twenty years, there might well be quite a few others. Ah, well. Mesothelioma sounds like a lethal bitch, but according to the tenets of Scientology, they’ll get over it.

Jason Beghe continues to push forth as a critic of Scientology, and following his interview detailing the COS’s fraudulent practices, he stepped out over the weekend to join an “Anonymous” protest in San Francisco. The proof is in the pictures, and this guy continues to display some serious balls.

On a related note, during one portion of that infamous interview, Jason was asked whether he thought speaking out against Scientology would negatively affect his Hollywood career. The veteran television and film actor dryly replied, “I’m probably not going to be doing any movies for United Artists any time soon.” United Artists is, of course, the troubled film studio helmed by Tom Cruise.

Hey, no worries, Jason, because the resurrection of United Artists for the “Wagner/Cruise Era” is proving to be a very short-lived venture indeed. When Cruise and his producing partner, Paula Wagner, took control of the dormant UA, the immediate production of two consecutive highly political films certainly wasn’t stated as the original plan. However, that’s exactly what happened. When Lions For Lambs failed to draw audiences willing to sit through a depressing blame game concerning the war in Iraq, experts estimated the film resulted in a staggering $50 million in losses. Seriously, UA will be extremely lucky if, despite the comic worth of a ridiculous display of the Cruise Nazi, Valkyrie fares any better.

So, exactly whose idea was it to resurrect UA solely on the basis of two agenda-heavy films starring the Cruise? Oh right, it was Tom Cruise’s idea. Brilliant work, mates!

Images: Enturbulation.org (♥ RW)

Over the weekend, Tom Cruise, along with wifebot Katie Holmes and daughter Suri, babysat the children of David & Victoria Beckham during an L.A. Galazy soccer game. Poor Suri looks as if she’s about to give up the gig at any moment.

In other news, Cruise’s vainglorious attempts to embody hero Claus von Stauffenberg have been thwarted yet again with news that Valkyrie has been postponed (for a second time) until an unspecified release date in 2009:

The film is not only a blow to Cruise as an actor but in his more recent incarnation as a movie mogul at United Artists (UA), the studio which made the film.

One critic in Hollywood has declared “Valkyrie is dead”, with another arguing that the film’s problems could also wreck the revival of UA.

UA’s first major film, Lions for Lambs, a story about the Iraq war with Cruise and Meryl Streep starring and Robert Redford directing, flopped.

Valkyrie was shot on a budget of $90 million dollars but has reportedly left test audiences somewhere between frigid and amused, with “[t]he quality of Cruise’s German accent” and laughable portrayal of a Nazi standing out as a major issues. If not for that massive budget (and that hot Nazi ass), I would be willing to bet that the film would be shelved indefinitely. However, the possibility for box-office disaster is almost certain, and some critics wonder if Cruise will ever recover his selling power:

Roger Friedman, who has a widely read film blog and a column on foxnews.com, recently advised Cruise, who was formerly married to Nicole Kidman, to “do another Jerry Maguire-like comedy” to get his acting career back on track.

Sorry, but that is a terrible fucking idea. After all, Tom Cruise currently appears as a bad stand-up comedy act on a daily basis. The guy needs to hunker down in his Telluride, Colorado bunker for a few years. Only after a nice vacation from Cruise will the public be willing to accept him again, and his most likely possibility for success would be in one of his vapid action films.

Meanwhile, we have a slight update to the Cruise Ship Of Doom story. As per Scientology’s usual strategy, the method of dealing with the presence of blue asbestos on its Freewinds cruise ship is Deny. Deny. Deny.:

Private docking company CDM refused to comment and Scientology spokesman Karin Pouw denied the vessel is “under lock-down”.

She said it will be ready to sail later this month and added: “Freewinds is being restored to better than new condition and no expense has ever been spared in meeting the highest safety standards. It is undergoing a complete refit, including renovation of all cabins, accommodation facilities and upgrading all navigational and nautical equipment. The Freewinds regularly inspects air quality on board and always meets or exceeds US standards.”

Last night a spokes-man for Cruise, the church’s top “pin-up”, insisted that he had “absolutely no knowledge” of the current scare surrounding Freewinds.

That’s right, folks. Everything is just fine in the realm of Scientology. Run along now.

More creepy ass pictures (source: Daily Mail) from the L.A. Galaxy game below:

Previously: Tom Cruise: Hottest. Nazi. Ever.

Yowza. Scientology has lost its wealthiest member, billionaire James Packer, who has “quietly distanced himself” from the cult. His recruiter, Tom Cruise, certainly won’t be happy about this:

Members of Mr Packer’s inner circle have confirmed that the billionaire, who had ranked as Scientology’s wealthiest member in the world, was no longer undertaking Scientology courses and had slowly moved away from the religion, telling his closest friends he no longer “needs it”.

Naturally, Cruise recruited Packer at his weakest moment, which shouldn’t surprise anyone familiar with the COS’s tactics:

The religion entered Mr Packer’s realm at one of the lowest points in his personal and business life. He was overweight and depressed, his marriage to his first wife, Jodhi Meares, had ended and he was reeling from the humiliating and very public collapse of One.Tel, losing $350 million from the family business on the way.

Thanks to his Hollywood confidant Cruise, Mr Packer and his fortune were embraced at Scientology’s highest levels.

Ha. I’m sure they were welcomed with open wallets.

(Thanks to proud former Scientologist RW.)

AB: Dude, if for some reason I disappear….
just know that the Scientologists did it.

Flea: Now wondering if there is a Scientology Hostel.

AB: Yes. They drill the thetans out of your body.

Flea: Damn thetans! And then you get a tattoo of L. Ron Hubbard’s face.

AB: Hahahaaaaa! Nooooo. Don’t point that e-meter at me! Hey, this isn’t funny anymore….

To Be Continued.

While I realize this blog’s audience comes for the cheesecake and stays for the humour, no funny business shall be found at present moment. I am a firm believer that humour is one of the best damn things in life, and, most of the time, I can use comedy to work through my anger on any given topic. However, I am quite disgusted about something, and I am not even gonna pretend that this doesn’t make me absolutely furious. Since the deaths of Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake (lovers, companions, and “co-muses”), their memories have been trashed. The culprit? Oh, just an establishment that is known for its heavy-handed influence in Hollywood. You tell me.

In June 2007, Theresa L. Duncan, a filmmaker, blogger, and a kindred soul on all matters related to Kate Moss and Pete Doherty, took her own life by way of a diphenhydramine and alcohol cocktail. A week later, Jeremy Blake followed her into the abyss by drowning himself in the Atlantic Ocean off Rockaway Beach. Within a few months, a random jackass began shopping a script based upon the couple’s imagined sex life around. Vanity Fair magazine waited about six months before painting a paranoid picture of Duncan and Blake in an article entitled, “The Golden Suicides.” Now, primetime television has followed suit, and, if you’re wondering just what this is all about, Fishbowl L.A. nicely summarizes:

Law and Order Depicts Theresa Duncan’s Death

But there was a twist - the writer character was murdered instead of committing suicide and the cult harassing her had a leader that isn’t publishing books from the gave. Crazy. Plus on TV - the cult was totally innocent - it was the insane paranoia and hatred AT the cult that lead the husband to murder his wife and throw himself off a building to try and give the cult bad publicity. And it was that same paranoia and hatred that made him confess instead of accepting an impending mistrial.

Ripped from the headlines.

The ever gallant Flea voices his anger: “Law and Order has violated the memory of Theresa Duncan and slandered Jeremy Blake as a murderer.” That is exactly what happened on the “Law and Order” of April 30th, which has been discussed in detail at Television Without Pity:

Jeremy Sisto mentioned in a recent interview that he enjoyed working on “… an episode about Scientology. I have friends who are Scientologists, so I hope they aren’t offended.”

Surely, the families of Blake and Duncan must be offended. Did ya think of that?

For his part, Jeremy Blake was a well-respected artist who created, among other things, the abstract hallucination scenes in 2002’s Punch Drunk Love. Blake was also hired by Beck, musician and celebrity Scientologist, for some cover work for one of his albums. Blake and Duncan had also been friends with Marisa and Giovanni Ribisi for a number of years. About the same time that these friendships dissolved, the alleged harassment from the COS began.

At the time of their suicides, Blake and Duncan both genuinely believed they were being harassed by Scientologists, and Theresa remained frustrated that production had halted for a movie based upon one of her scripts, which happened to somewhat criticize the cult. She had a hunch that Tom Cruise, who possessed the requisite access and power, had blocked the film. That certainly sounds reasonable, since his control-freak tendencies are quite notorious. Did Cruise actually do it? We’ll never know, but it’s time for any “interested parties” to stop the madness of destroying the legacies of Jeremy Blake and Theresa Duncan. Let. Them. Rest. In. Peace.

While Oprah relives her recent moments of hair-raising ecstasy at the hands of one Tom Cruise, others are finding out that, well, it just doesn’t pay to kiss ass. Case in point: While high-level Scientologists (and their slave laborers) were celebrating the birthday of the prophet, Tom Cruise, they were unwittingly breathing invisible particles of blue asbestos. Exposure to this well-known carcinogen immediately places normal human beings into the high-risk category for mesothelioma, an extremely lethal form of lung cancer. Ain’t that a bitch?

Of course, celebrity Scientologist Jenna Elfman once famously screamed, “AIDS is a state of mind, not a disease. Get over it!” It would necessarily follow that perhaps Scientologists believe themselves immune to cancer as well — that’s quite a leap of faith.

Regardless of L.Ron Hubbard’s version of the truth, the Freewinds cruise ship has been “sealed and docked by officials in Curacao.” This means that the upcoming cruise (see invite at right) is cancelled while the ship awaits investigation by mere mortals:

An affidavit filed in 2001 by Lawrence Woodcraft, a former Scientologist and trained architect, claims that Woodcraft encountered the fibrous minerals while working on the ship in 1987, and promptly informed Scientology leaders. For over 21 years, Scientology has knowingly exposed passengers to what is generally considered the most lethal form of asbestos. The National Toxicology Program classifies asbestos as a known human carcinogen. The EPA has also classified asbestos as a human carcinogen. The use of asbestos in new construction projects has been banned for health and safety reasons in many developed countries, including all 27 member states of the European Union, Australia, Japan, and New Zealand.

So, this affidavit was filed in the U.S. in 2001, but it still took officials until now to seal and isolate the ship? These weren’t U.S. officials either, which leads to the conclusion that the U.S. government just isn’t concerned about any of Scientology’s alleged misdeeds.

Of course, an untold number of technicians and lower-level Scientologists have, over the years, worked upon this Cruise Ship Of Doom. Since only Scientologists who have reached the higher OT Levels are assumed to have achieved immortality and freedom from sickness, this failure by Scientology to inform seems rather… 2nd degree homicidal (showing a willful and reckless disregard for life):

During refurbishing and reparatory work, which involved removing the ceiling and panelling on cruise ship Freewinds, blue asbestos was released and ended up in the ventilation system. Freewinds’ captain did not report this when it’s [sic] own personnel were working on the ship on the Mathey warf in Otrobanda. The Curacao Drydock Company (CDM), where the ship was taken for reparatory work on the hull, heard from the surveyor that there may be asbestos on the ship. The captain acknowledged the incident and said that after the incident Freewinds had some investigation done.

A confirmed member of Anonymous has issued this response:

“While we believe every person has the right to hold whatever beliefs they prefer, that right does not grant Scientology freedom to knowingly expose thousands of people to extremely dangerous substances without informing them of the danger.”

All of this also lends some bittersweet credence to a portion of Jason Beghe’s interview, in which he stated, “That ship is a fleabag… it ain’t no nice luxury liner or nothing.”

On a more celebratory note, tune into Oprah’s show this Friday to celebrate 25 years in film for Tom Cruise!!!

Oprah/Tom photos from the Daily Mail.

Not too terribly long ago, Oprah Winfrey told “Good Morning America” that Tom Cruise and his couch jumping were whack:

“It was wilder than it was appearing to me,” Winfrey said. “I was just trying to maintain the truth for myself because I couldn’t figure out what was going on. And what I was prepared for was the dance that happens when you’re doing celebrities — when you know they’re not going to tell you, but you’re going to ask anyway, and then you try asking another way.”

Instead of the “dance,” Winfrey was confronted with an Irish jig on top of her furniture.

“I was not buying — not buying or not buying,” Winfrey said of Cruise’s declarations of love. “That’s why I kept saying to [him,] ‘you’re gone, you’re really gone.’”

So, we’re wondering what sort of blackmail occurred for Oprah to invite Cruise onto her show for a “twofer” in a vain attempt to repair his still-tarnished image. Oprah doesn’t need the ratings or the money. The thing is, I’m betting that Tom didn’t even want to have any part in this reunion because, hell, his public image is fine, already. He’s normal, remember? It’s society, having been brainwashed by psychiatrists gone wild, that has the problem.

At any rate, Oprah reportedly “goes there” with Cruise by grilling him about Scientology, his temper tantrum when asked about psychiatry by Matt Lauer, “and, yes, the infamous couch-jumping incident.” We even hear that Oprah let Tom drive her around on his little snowmobile. Awwwww.

Seriously, blackmail.

Image: Access Hollywood