Whose nasty mattress could that be? (KIsP)

Nicky & Paris Hilton are all like, “Konichiwa, bitches!” (CS)

Mark Wahlberg is engaged. (Celebitchy)

Kim Kardashian inks her own ass. (GB)

Jessica Biel needs to get over it. (The Blemish)

Condoms: Not just for penises anymore. (POTP)

K…

Celebrities can always “accomplish” what mere civilians cannot dream of achieving. For example, let’s take Shakira — international superstar, “recording artist,” marketing darling, and college freshman — who, for whatever reason, has caused…

The Grammys were held last night, and as usual nobody in their right mind gave a rat’s ass. Considering the awards are chosen by industry insiders, the divergence between between what the voters like and what’s liked by people who—oh, listen to music—is pretty amazing. The Grammys have been slipping farther and farther out of sync with popular taste ever since 1959, when Perry Como walked off with the award for Best Male Vocal Performance. (He picked up another Grammy posthumously in 2002, which shows just how edgy these awards are.) If you don’t believe me, check out Wikipedia’s list of Grammy winners by year and compare it to what you were listening to at the time. Last night’s self-congratulatory industry circle jerk was no exception to this pattern.

The night’s big winners were the Dixie Chicks, who got—I don’t know, 15 or 20 of those little gramophones. At current exchange rates, that’s nearly enough to swap for one MTV Teen Choice surfboard. I could say that I disliked the Dixie Chicks after they morphed into a slimmer, female, countrified, three-headed version of Michael Moore, and it would be perfectly true. Of course, it’s also irrelevant since I never liked them in the first place. At any rate, winning big at the Grammys is usually the kiss of death to a pop musician’s career, so that’s probably the last we’ll hear of them.

Moving on from the irrelevancy of the actual awards, A Socialite’s Life has a nice roundtable discussion of the manifold Grammy fashion disasters (including the lovely Imogene Heap, seen here). And there were a couple of good musical performances. Christina did a salute to James Brown that might have been a little overdone, but showed she’s still got a helluva set of pipes. And Shakira is still insisting those hips don’t lie. Nice dance moves, but the hips have been telling us they don’t lie for quite a while now, and I’m beginning to think the hips doth protest too much. Time for the hips to find some new talking points.…

Over the weekend, macho guy Hugo Chavez welcomed Colombian poptart Shakira to Venezuela, the country Chavez is hard at work running into the ground. Shakira’s riding high after winning four Latin Grammies last week, and Caracas is the latest stop on her “Oral Fixationâ€? tour. The squatty dictator has made a career out of bashing Bush, the US, US companies, and global trade, but he managed to overlook the fact that Shakira’s tour is financed by Sony BMG Entertainment and Epic Records long enough to greet Shakira as “a sister of this great Latin American homeland.â€? Chavez also shares fellow dictator Muammar Qaddhafi’s taste for dressing up in outlandish costumes (for example, here), and the Venezuelan hinted in his playful/scary manner that he might just disguise himself with a wig or something and slip into the concert. Hugo Chavez in a wig is a topic that cries out for photoshopping, but since I don’t have Photoshop you’ll just have to make do with a picture of Hugo Chavez in a sombrero. Plus Shakira’s latest video. For optical relief.…

This just in on a tip from the gay boyfriend, who also adds “B.A.R.F.” as his bit of commentary:

For whatever reason, Shakira, who claims to be immensely shy, has told an interviewer how much she enjoys running around naked in her flower garden:

“When I’m not working, I like

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Sometimes I wonder why people become actors, singers, and other such lucrative occupations, when clearly they were meant to be altruistic politicians living off the salt of the land. For example, our hip-shaking darling could rule the fucking world by shaking her hips and braying like a donkey. Wi…

I missed my gay boyfriend so much yesterday that I decided it was time for a Shakira post. So after a bit of research, and the above photo discovery, I found that Shakira has been a bad, bad girl in regard to influencing Egyptian strippers. These strippers decided to emu…