The Spice Girls have officially held their last concert, and after a few months of regurgitating their nauseatingly self-indulgent songs, the five pop sensations shall now go their separate ways. Girl power is no more.

Scary Spice:
Melanie Brown will continue her prime-time television dancing career, after which she’ll release a few semi-successful exercise DVDs, duet with Tina Turner, and eventually hit the Vegas lounge circuit.
It might take forever, but her totally kick-ass attorney, Gloria Allred, will eventually make Eddie Murphy will pay dearly.

Ginger Spice:
Geri Halliwell will spawn a new career as a self-help sex guru — complete with a European and North American tour of her patented Get Back The Spice™ couples’ seminars. After several failed marriages (including one to a sheik who wears a real turban) and subsequent divorces, Geri will discover her true identity as a lesbian.

Posh Spice:
Victoria Beckham will take the fashion industry by storm by launching her new clothing line for Roberto Cavalli. The clothes — for the “less than zero”-sized market — will be made of only the finest imported crepe paper and felt. After overhearing several giggled references to Hans Christian Andersen, only then will Victoria regret never having read a book in all her life.

Baby Spice:
Emma Bunton will continue to struggle with her feelings of inadequacy. Despite gorgeous looks, a decent voice, and no visible defects, Emma will never feel that she’s measuring up to her Spice compadres. After several decades in therapy, Emma will learn to love herself and release her scathing memoirs, Me Against The Spice.

Sporty Spice:
Melanie Chisholm will run like hell, resume her actual singing career, and never speak to any of those other bitches ever again.