Y’all, I have a confession to make. Sometimes a girl has needs, if you know what I mean, and what better to satisfy these needs than with a movie star who “is hot and knows how to handle a chick.” Along with these needs, I do wish to build some lasting memories, rather than squandering $50,000 – $100,000 on Vincent Gallo the male escort. One night or weekend simply isn’t enough when one considers the male specimen:

So I revisited the Vincent Gallo Merchandise page of his very own website. Imagine my dismay to discover that the $100 Inflatable Charles Manson, signed by Vincent Gallo, the $3000.00 Vincent Gallo’s Childhood Hopalong Cassidy Bedspread, and the $1000.00 Vincent Gallo’s St. Anthony Medallion From His 1st Holy Communion had all been sold. OH, so close, but yet so far away from teh sexy:

Hark! At the very bottom of the page, I found the perfect item that would allow for a lifetime of memories from my precious Vinnie – Vincent Gallo’s Sperm: $1 Million – what a fucking bargain!

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.

If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it’s a boy. (8 inches if he’s like his father.) I don’t know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can’t hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration.

Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.

To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo’s sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

And I’m afraid that we have a dealbreaker. What a waster.