Johnny Depp is almost the definition of The Man Who Has Everything: money, fame, talent (Alice in Wonderland notwithstanding), and the love of an offensively good-looking woman. And, of course, way too many hats. Two rooms, actually, full of nothing but hats. Johnny Depp is to hats what Imelda Marcos was to shoes, and Vanessa Paradis has decided the hats need to be what Imelda Marcos was to the Philippines–i.e., gone:

Vanessa wants some closet room but Johnny’s hats are taking up too much space. She told him point-blank, ‘Johnny, you get those hats out of here or when you’re gone, I’m going to throw them all in the trash.’ He was horrified. He loves his hats and he is constantly buying more.”

Supposedly Vanessa decided enough was enough when Johnny came home with a hat he’d bought off a homeless man, and now Captain Jack Sparrow has until the end of the year to find a new home for his loved ones (I’m referring to the hats here). I’d offer the poor guy some storage space if my apartment weren’t so cramped. On the other hand, if Johnny wants to keep the hats I’d be delighted to take Vanessa Paradis off his hands.