It’s the start of a new year, which means it’s time for Gwyneth Paltrow to start yammering about her colon. This year Goop is recommending Dr. Alejandro Junger’s Clean program, designed to protect us from “the thousands of chemicals in our internal and external environment.” (Dr. Junger doesn’t say how he plans to cope with the pesky atoms that pervade those same environments, but I’ll bet it involves giving the ol’ colon a graduate-level workout.) Gwyneth goes on to say this particular cleanse is a fine way to gain “some mental clarity and to drop a few pounds”—always a vital consideration for a Graf Zeppelin of a she-beast like Ms. Paltrow.

The Huffington Post reported on this story with considerably less snark, but even they couldn’t help noting this is the third time in a row Gwyneth has kicked off the year by purging her digestive tract and sharing the gruesome details with readers of her blog. Last year it was a five-day juice fast, while 2009 started with an elimination diet and a brief discussion of pooping. Honestly, I can think of people I’ve known for years that hardly ever chat about their bowels with me—maybe once or twice a year, tops. I’ve never even met Gwyneth, and I feel like I’m so well acquainted with her digestive tract she might as well have swallowed me whole and pooped me right into the toilet bowl. At any rate, I don’t really need her advice. Sometime soon, I’ll curl up and spend a relaxing evening with Snooki’s new novel. That ought to have me spewing from orifices I didn’t even know I owned.