Greetings, Fistful of Fortnight readers. It is Mike W., your Maximum Leader from Nakedvillainy.com. It is a great pleasure to be guest blogging here for Sadie while she is taking some time off to be with the Irish Lad, Blog Noir, and musty legal tomes. I hope that I am able to blog in the spirit of the lovely Sadie during her brief respite.

Now let me begin by saying that following Skippy is tough. When Skippy is the warm-up act, well… I’ll suggest you keep your head down and hope for the best… And remember, try the Veal and don’t forget to tip your server – they are working for a living…

So… On to White Trash Wednesday…

I, your Maximum Leader, was hoping for a little bit of inspiration in writing a post for White Trash Wednesday. That inspiration came very late, but it did come. I present to you the cautionary tale of two women. They both hail from the backwaters of the great Lone Star State. Both overcame their humble beginnings, capitalized on their talents (as well as “talents” – ahem) and have transformed themselves into celebrities. But one couldn’t escape her roots and is now a white trash celebrity; the other a glamorous starlet and the object of my unrequited desires.

Vickie Lynn was born in Mexia, Texas in November 1967. Her father abandoned the family when she was young, and she was shuffled between the homes of her mother and aunt. She waited tables and eked out a humble living. She met a young man named Billy and they married and had a son. Little did she know that her big break was coming.

Jennifer was born in Waco, Texas in February 1979. She came from a middle class family. Her parents separated shortly after her birth, and Jennifer moved with her mother to Killeen, TX. She made her first public performance at age 3 by singing at a Texas Livestock show. By age 5 she entered ballet and dancing schools. By age 10 she had joined the Texas Show Team – a dance troupe. She toured with the Texas Show Team in Europe and the former Soviet Union. She was encouraged by talent scouts to move to LA. The family moved and enjoyed high hopes. Those hopes were diminished as Jennifer landed a series of small roles on television shows – all of which flopped. Was time running short for her to make it?

Vickie Lynn on the other hand had decided that waiting tables wasn’t getting her anywhere. So she started doing the one thing that a young girl with a nice figure and few inhibitions can do to get serious money quick. She started stripping. It was this thoughtful career move that brought Vickie Lynn to the attention of Playboy magazine. She posed in Playboy and was eventually named Playmate of the Year in 1993. This catapulted her into a contract with Guess jeans as their model. Vickie Lynn had been transmogrified into Anna Nicole. And she was taking the world by storm.

Jennifer at around the same time had landed the role that would get her career going. She started work on the TV series ‘Party of Five.’ Her career took off after her role in the 1997 film, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer.’ She has since starred in many motion pictures and TV specials. She has worked with many Hollywood A-listers (including Anthony Hopkins, Sigourney Weaver, and Gene Hackman). She has released 3 moderately successful albums. And has been working with Bo Derek and the USO visiting wounded troops returned home from Iraq.

Anna Nicole’s career did not take an upward spiral. Her lack of self control, lack of adequate familial support structures, and lack of an education that ‘took,’Anna found herself fluctuating between highs and lows in weight and checking account balance. She returned to her humble roots by going back to Texas and sliding on brass poles in strip clubs to make a buck or two. Or as the case may be she happened to come into many millions of dollars by shaking her ample booty in the face and lap of J. Howard Marshall. She was able to captivate the octogenarian oil man with her Rubenesque figure and lack of social graces. They married in 1994. Marshall died in 1995 – purported leaving Anna $450 million. Her star was on the rise again. Until Marshall’s estranged son came into the picture and sued to have the estate invalidated.

Jennifer’s career continued to improve and her celebrity status grow. She had both a ‘True Hollywood Story’ and ‘Love Chain’ episode about her life on ‘E!’ She was proclaimed the #7 most Sexy woman according to FHM magazine, the 14th most sexy woman alive according to Rush magazine, and 11th most sexy woman on the planet according to Stuff magazine. (As well as being one of the 99 Women We Love in Ask Men magazine and the frequent cover girl for Maxim.)

Anna Nicole’s propensity towards overuse of alcohol and pills, along with her ever burgeoning body, started to take its toll. Her legal troubles increased and she was reduced to starring in a reality TV show in which her true white trash status was finally cemented.

What does the future hold for Anna Nicole Smith? Well, it doesn’t appear to hold money from J. Howard Marshall. Our white trash heroine picked an idiot lawyer and seems to have lost all her cash. Anna’s weight is down and she has resumed respectable modeling. But we all know that the greased pole, disco lights, and overpriced watered-down drinks are just a fifth of Southern Comfort and a few pills away. She may yet return to her trailer park roots…

And Jennifer Love Hewitt’s future, what does it hold? The endless possibilities of youth, beauty, and talent promise wealth and fame for our girl from the broken home in Waco. So long as she picks her roles carefully, avoids that first nude scene, and invests wisely; she should be able to keep from descending into the world she narrowly avoided.

Carry on.

Read other tales of White Trash: