Now that the annual Hollywood masturbatory circle-jerk session known as the Academy Awards is finally over, there is the full realization that one of the usual fixtures, Jack Nicholson, was missing from the audience. After much barely any consideration, I’ve determined five seven possible explanations for Nicholson’s absence: (1) All Drink and No Play makes Jack a dull boy; (2) Lara Flynn Boyle finally got hungry, after all these years; (3) After hours of searching for the perfect pair of shades, Jack gave up and made the same reactionary faces in front of the tellie; (4) Homeboy skipped the fancy affair in favor of a Lakers game; (5) The five blondes in Nicholson’s bed convinced him to stay home for a much kinkier set of festivities; (6) Dude decides to confirm rumours that he’s still “furious” at Christopher Nolan for not being asked to reprise the Joker role; (7) Jack decided not to attract attention to himself on a night where Heath Ledger was tipped (and won) the award for Best Supporting Actor.
