To be honest, this will depend on precisely when your childhood took place. If you’re a child of the Eighties or Nineties, just be patient. We’ll get around to shattering your childhood illusions in the near future. Right now, it’s time for aging Gen Xers to face up to the depravity and wretched excess that lay at the heart of The Brady Bunch. Maureen McCormick’s new memoir is finally out, and while she doesn’t confirm last year’s much hyped Jan-and-Marcia lesbian fling, she still has plenty of dirt to dish. Squeaky-clean Marcia was actually sleeping around with all sorts of people, including Michael Jackson (granted, actual sex probably didn’t occur) and Greg Henderson, who played her brother Mike. Greg was also sleeping with his on-screen mom Florence Henderson, which earns him some sort of lifetime achievement award for creepy quasi-incestuous shenanigans. At some point young Maureen also decided that things go better with coke, and learned that pleanty of guys at places like the Playboy mansion were more than willing to trade drugs for sex.

So: Basically, The Brady Bunch was a lot like Keeping Up with the Kardashians, only with even more sex and drugs. Although the Brady ménage deserves some credit for at least pretending to be clean-cut. As somebody or other once said, “hypocrisy is the compliment vice pays to virtue.” I think that’s from Alice the cleaning lady.