Your Rocketship to Oblivion Is Ready, Miss Hilton

Her album may be racing for the bottom, but Paris is still reaching for the stars. The world’s spaciest media-whore has reportedly paid $195,000 dollars to reserve a seat on Sir Richard Branson’s planned Virgin Enterprise orbital tourist flights. This would be more exciting news if Branson were selling one-way tickets.

Actually, I would bet one of my paired organs—a kidney or something—that this mission will never take place. An unnamed source says that Paris’s research on spaceflight is limited to seeing the Star Wars movies, and the nitty-gritty details of the real thing are unlikely to amuse her. She’s probably unaware, for instance, that passengers on Branson’s flights will have to wear diapers, since we’re still a long way from commercial shuttles with a restroom. The lack of a restroom also means that Paris won’t be joining the Zero-Gee 200-Mile High Club on this flight. And finally, there’s no way Branson will let Paris offer an orbital concert in a last, desperate attempt to drive up her dismal album sales. The stars may be blind, but they’re not deaf, you know.