Mystery Ass: Hell, I still don’t know who she is. (UMC)

Amy Sedaris vs. Martha Stewart! This’ll get ugly. (OMGB)

Johnny Depp is only wearing his pajamas. (SOMG)

Rielle Hunter, mistress of John Edwards, tries for classy. (CS)

Jude Law is the worst celebrity father of the year. And, yes, it’s only March. (CB)

Kate Winslet’s bum is officially back on the market. (POTP)

David Schwimmer must have a really huge schlong. (AG)

Marion Cotillard sticks boobs on her forehead. WTF? (LS)

David Beckham takes it in the face. Ouch. (PB)

“Jersey Shore” Guidos never learned their manners. (IBBB)

Miley Cyrus shows off her shiny (expensive) new car. (GB)

Dreidel Hustler talks to the one & only Roger Ebert. (Heeb)

5 Reasons The Internet Could Die At Any Moment: Lovely. (Cracked)

Yes, RPattz does enjoy a shower scene in his new movie! Go read my review of Remember Me.

The crazy that is Joaquin Phoenix may very well have recently surfaced at an Oscar party, but that doesn’t mean that, you know, he’s not still all about the music. A representative (who, Casey Affleck?) for Phoenix has denied earlier reports that Phoenix had abandoned his oh-so-promising rap career for an acting comeback as Edgar Allen Poe… which is a shame, because Joaquin already had the asymmetrical moustache thing totally down, yo.

Translation: If this Poe project truly exists, expect to soon hear a casting announcement that has Nicholas Cage attached to the role. Dammit.

While the fanboys at various movie sites have been creaming their collective panties over the much-anticipated Kickass, I’ve been rather ambivalent about the entire affair for two reasons: [1] Hollywood can’t always be trusted to faithfully adapt a cult-fave comic book series; [2] I absolutely refuse to get excited about any movie that stars Nicholas “Crazy Face” Cage (and in a fucking bat-suit, no less).

However, I do quite like these two particular Kickass posters, which were debuted over the weekend at SXSW. So, even if early reviews tell us that the movie “doesn’t live up to its title,” hey, we’ll always have that juicy propaganda.

Imagery: IMP Awards

Amanda Seyfried’s smokin’ hot photoshoot. (Yeeeah!)

Amber Rose’s thong matches her shoes. (CS)

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “Pear Ass Chronicles” are over? (CB)

Idiot Paparazzo walks into a pole. On video. (SOMG)

She’s Out Of My League & Green Zone reviews. (Pajiba)

Christina Ricci: Adorable even when she’s drunk. (POTP)

Joe Jonas & lover step out of the closet. (AG)

Wizard Of Oz Remake gets casting hints. (IBBB)

Star Wars, reimagined by the Coen Brothers. (Heeb)

Alexander Skarsgard is cute even while pouting. (PB)

Sienna Millar’s ass wobbles when she walks. (GB)

15 Hottest Mother-Daughter Combos In Show Business: MILFS & their lil’ DILFs. (PC)

Well, I’d have never realized it unless I wasn’t already informed, but Riley Keough is the 20-year old daughter of Lisa Marie Presley (and Danny Keough). Miss Keough and Lisa Marie were snapped together at the Los Angeles premiere of The Runaways, in which Elvis’ granddaughter plays the twin sister of Cherie Currie (Dakota Fanning). Hey, can’t someone throw a shirt on mom?

The latest RPattz (non-Twlight-related) film, Remember Me, opens today. Appropriately, here is a Robert Pattinson Career Assessment. And stay tuned, for I’ll be reviewing his new film too.

Heidi Montag/Pratt has no perceptible talents or virtues beyond an absolutely superhuman ability to not go away, but there’s something weirdly compelling about the sheer vapid tawdriness of her “career.” Her musical début didn’t proceed exactly as planned, but she’s moving on and swears that things are gonna be different. Step one: buy a whole new body. Step two: Fire that douchebag of a husband/manager and replace him with a psychic douchebag:

After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams with healer intuitive Aiden Chase, I have officially asked him to become my manager…. Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has.”

No doubt about it, putting your career in the hands of “ancient Native American spirit healers” has got to be a step up from whatever the hell Spencer was bringing to the team. Maybe at some point she’ll consider something really unconventional like acquiring some actual skills. Hence my alternative title for this post, “If I Only Had a Brain.”