Much to the dismay of the Church of Scientology, the story of the Scientology cruise ship Freewinds and its lethal cargo of blue asbestos just keeps hanging around and popping up where it’s least welcome. (A comparison could be drawn here with asbestos itself, but let’s not get heavy-handed.) Reports are emerging that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been told to seek medical attention after the couple were exposed to asbestos at the $100K birthday bash thrown in Tom’s honor last February. (Query: since Tom was born in July, was this fete seven months late or five months early?) Exposure to blue asbestos can lead to mesothelioma, which is generally fatal within a matter of months, so there is some cause for concern here. But at least Tom and Katie aren’t alone in their worries. Reportedly John Travolta and Kelly Preston have been urged to get themselves checked out as well.

Nor does the list end there. Other celebrities present at the party include Lisa Marie Presley, Juliette Lewis and keyboard legend Chick Corea, among others. In fact, given that the problem has been known but not addressed for more than twenty years, there might well be quite a few others. Ah, well. Mesothelioma sounds like a lethal bitch, but according to the tenets of Scientology, they’ll get over it.

Rose McGowan gets her rack looked at. (UMC)

Colin Farrell looks like a manorexic Spanish barfly. (CS)

Reese Witherspoon is getting married. To someone. Someday. (CB)

Tori Spelling wants to be the sexy MILF of “90210.” (Ayyyy!)

Harriet Carter gets rabies & stashes the murder victim. (IBBB)

Weezer’s 3rd CD won’t destroy your sweater. (SOMG)

James McAvoy is mean & tasty. (PB)

Kid Rock is a regular boy scout. (GB)

Jack Black reveals the contents of Angelina Jolie’s uterus. (POTP)

Lily Allen (NSFW) goes topless sunbathing. (RR)

Chloe Sevigny = Geek Babe with horn-rimmed glasses. (WIMB)

Halle Berry has cats in her boobs. (CR)

L. Ron Hubbard never figured on the internet, did he? (1SB)

Today Maxim released its Hot 100 List of the world’s most beautiful women for 2008. Normally, I’d pay about as much attention to this as to anything else Maxim has to say, but this year I was pretty excited to see that Lindsay Lohan made the list at #9, while Britney Spears clocked in at #19. My HTML skills are rather poor, so “pretty excited” is my substitute for putting that line in 24-point bold font, followed by “WTF!!!1!” repeated four times in four different colors. Of course, it’s possible this is actually 2003, in which case I stand corrected and promise to calm down.

Among its many other virtues, Maxim uses the most tedious click-through format imaginable for its lists, just to maximize (heh!) hits, and nobody’s going to bother with that. So here are the top ten on the list, along with a few other names that will put the placement of La Lohan and Britney in perspective. We’ll tuck them below the jump, just to let the edge-of-your-seat, who-gives-a-rat’s-ass excitement build:

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So much crap to shovel through, mates. Pete Doherty is scheduled to defend last year’s win at the Celebrity Soccer Six tournament this weekend. The above photo demonstrates how pleased Doherty was to capture last year’s title on behalf of Babyshambles. Our excessive coverage of last year’s event can be found here as well as some supplementary video clippage of Doherty’s winning goal against Johnny Borrell of Razorlight.

In other quickie antihero news, a fake story has circulated that cheated on his drug test by switching pee cups with another prisoner, but this turns out to be based upon a very dated account Doherty gave of his pre-incarceration drug testing. In addition, unsubstantiated reports are circling concerning a drug-fueled shovel stint involving one of Doherty’s fabled feline friends. All of this is likely just rubbish, but as absurd as Doherty often appears, people are gonna believe this crap.

Last evening, Doherty joined his band for the group’s first gig since their lead singer’s prison release, and reviews of Babyshambles’ performance are begrudgingly postive:

Say what you like about Pete Doherty, he knows how to make a dramatic entrance. Fresh out of jail for the umpteenth time, Britain’s most sybaritic singer played a rowdy sell-out show. In Rat Pack suit and dapper trilby, Doherty appeared in rude health and good spirits. The overall mood of the evening was celebratory, even during the minor bout of booing that punctuated the cheers.

All the same, he gave an energetic performance last night, rattling through ramshackle crowd-pleasers including Pipedown, Delivery and Kilimangiro. To his champions, Doherty is a guttersnipe sage and icon of dissolute cool. To his detractors he is an overhyped mockney Artful Dodger, a third division talent with a premier league profile.

Doherty concluded his night with a rousing bit of celebration at the home of Amy Winehouse. Then, the situation grew much worse.

Spit-Swap Imagery: Daily Mail

Javier Bardem might be one hot commodity these days, but he’s not exactly thrusting himself into work at the moment. After Francis Ford Coppola did the unthinkable and performed a sex-change operation upon Javier’s Tetro character, Bardem himself has relinquished his lead role in Rob Marshall’s Nine, “because he is exhausted from work and awards season, and will take as long as a year to recharge his batteries.”

So, why would Javier “Brick Shithouse” Bardem suffer from exhaustion? Probably because of last year’s press tour and Oscar cleanup for his role in the Coen brothers’ No Country For Old Men. In addition, Javier seduced hundreds of women (and showed his naughty bum) while aging about 50 years throughout his role in Love In The Time Of Cholera. Finally, fucking Josh Brolin is far more exhausting than it looks. Bardem even managed to do all of these things without botox, bitches.

Yet the real reason that Javier Bardem should be exhausted would be his starring role in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which shall soon premiere at Cannes and is scheduled for a limited U.S. release on August 29. As we’ve previously discussed, rumours have persisted about the film’s threesome between Javier, Penélope Cruz, and Scarlett Johansson. Meanwhile, Allen has issued his own unconvincing anti-hype statement:

“Because it was Penélope and Scarlett and Javier, it got out that there was torrid sex in the picture,” Allen says. “Sorry, that’s not the case. There’s sex, yes, but it’s a discreetly photographed ménage à trois. “People who come and expect those exaggerations are going to be disappointed.”

Nobody who follows Woody Allen’s cinema would believe this for a second, and this disbelief is confirmed by the film’s new trailer. In just ninety seconds, Javier manages to make out with Penélope, Scarlett, & Rebecca Hall, and, unmistakably, Penélope makes out with Scarlett as well. Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka. Yes, you read that correctly, for I may have purchased a shiny education, but I am still proudly possessed by the mind of a fifteen-year old boy trapped in an eighteen-year old girl’s body.

Catch the steamy trailer below, and if you missed the film stills from Vicky Cristina Barcelona, check out the pictures & more pictures. As always, happy slapping!

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The Daily Mail takes time off from scrutinizing starlet knees to steal from bloggers. (CB)

Chris Noth’s Mr. Big: Hottest. Pervert. Ever. (CS)

The Hat That Ate Leicesster Square. (Ayyyy!)

Donna Martin Masturbates! What? (IBBB)

Tara Reid wears a bikini. She never learns. (TB)

Tommy Lee, in an uphill battle, fails to impregnate Jane Fonda. (SOMG)

Victoria Beckham is eating for two? Gotta feed the silicone, I guess. (PB)

Tila Tequila: Fugly bitch with a hot body. (POTP)

Sienna Miller is embarrassed by all 900 of her nude scenes. (GB)

Bill O’Reilly likes to fuck it & do it live. (DR)

Tom Cruise and his date with David Beckham. (HO)

Soon, you too can lick Frank Sinatra’s eyeballs. (KIsP)

Steampunk goes mainstream. Allen Quartermain wants his childhood back. (Flea)

Frontiers: This time, let’s blame Sarkozky for the blood and viscera. (Pajiba)

Top 10 Bond Villains: What, Le Chiffre and his bleeding eye don’t matter? (Guardian)

After Speed Racer’s opening weekend pulled a disappointing $18.5 million at the box office (not $20.2 million, as widely reported), people are asking: What’s next in the line of live-action, CGI-heavy remakes of kids’ TV shows? The answer may surprise you—okay, given the picture at the top of this post it probably won’t, but in a year or two it might make you look back on Speed Racer with a certain degree of nostalgia. The Weinstein Company has announced plans to distribute a Fraggle Rock movie. The project will be written and directed by the same creative team behind Hoodwinked, a movie that earned decidedly mixed reviews on its 2006 release.

Not to put down Fraggle Rock, but it seems like the kid’s show remake people are fast running out of material. Unless you go with complete obscurities like Fireball XL5, the only way to find new shows is to keep moving down the demographic staircase. The Flintstones was considered family fare in the Sixties; Speed Racer was aimed more specifically at car-crazy 10-year-olds. Fraggle Rock played to a set a year or two younger. Based on this trend, it’s safe to say that somewhere in Hollywood, a desperate scriptwriter is pitching the concept for a feature-length Teletubbies movie that will be all over the theatres late in 2012.

Some have bemoaned the disappearance of the curvy comic book chick as part of this blog’s design. So, I thought we’d celebrate a few of my own favourite curvy comic book chicks — Megan Dietrich & Dizzy Cordova of the DC Comics/Vertigo 100 Bullets series, which is still running upon its route to certain apocalypse. Writer Brian Azzarello & artist Eduardo Risso have just released the present installment, Issue 89, which launches the final story arc that will end with Issue 100. This series kicks ass for so many reasons:

Much has been said of 100 Bullets, crime fiction, espionage thriller, conspiracy theory. “Gritty” is a word that’s used, as is “Noir”. It is very dark, and mysterious. Dark because that’s how it’s drawn, mysterious because, although there’s a big picture, we haven’t seen it all, though there have been glimpses of it. All stories need a premise, and the basis of 100 Bullets is excellent. The wider picture becomes evident as the series develops, as suited up, gnarly old bastard Agent Graves approaches ordinary citizens who’s [sic] lives have hit rock bottom and offers them an opportunity to exact revenge on the person, or persons, that ruined them. He gives his clients an attaché case containing irrefutable proof of the deed, a gun, and 100 bullets. These bullets will never be traced. He guarantees his clients carte blanche for all of their actions, including murder. Any investigation will be dropped once the bullets are recovered. This poses a few questions. Who is Agent Graves? Agent of what? A Government? The Secret Service? The FBI? We don’t know, but we do find out that he’s no agent of any recognised Agency. Why does he pick these seemingly random people, to give them a gun and the chance to even the score? Again, no idea, as some cases seem to have a higher purpose, but some appear almost meaningless.

Although the characters of 100 Bullets are numerous, the two main female characters are Dizzy Cordova, the sensual Latino babe, and Megan Dietrich, the ice-cold blonde beauty. These two characters pretty much summarize the power struggle between the series’ two main organizations: The Trust and The Minutemen.

Megan Dietrich: As a member of The Trust (made up of The Thirteen Families), Megan takes the role of head of the Dietrich family after her father is assassinated. As the families form alliances and betrayals, Megan must do anything possible (and she does) to protect her own interests and stay in power.

Dizzy Cordova: This unwitting gangbanger left prison to find her husband and child murdered, and the mysterious Agent Graves offered her the fabled attaché to exact vengeance. Dizzy is eventually trained to be a replacement Minuteman, but she still has no inkling of her true purpose in the grand scheme of things.

The series is “graphic” in every sense of the word, and the interweaving story arcs of 100 Bullets cover a spectrum of themes from the Lost Colony of Roanoke to the death of Marilyn Monroe and fate of NY Yankie Joe DiMaggio. If you’re into pulpy, noirish graphic novels and haven’t checked out 100 Bullets, I highly recommend doing so. Some of my favourite issue covers that feature Megan and Dizzy lie below the fold:

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