Sienna Miller: Leggy in London. (UMC)

Jamie Lee Curtis looks polished, beautiful, and completely & utterly natural. (CS)

Brad Pitt’s mysteriously cryptic new tattoo. (CB)

Buzz Aldrin: Sexy as Grandpa Munster. (Ayyyy!)

Halle Berry: Prelude to a Cameltoe. (IBBB)

Another 90210 Alum Returns: Guess who? (SOMG)

Simon Cowell took his mum on a nice date! (PB)

Ben Affleck regrets rubbing lotion on JLo’s ass. (GB)

John Mayer & Jennifer Aniston got busy poolside. Again. (POTP)

Mickey Rourke’s Huge… posse. Uh, why? (CR)

How did Mark McGrath end up onstage with Dave Navarro, Matt Sorum, Steve Jones, Tommy Lee, Slash, Duff, & Jerry Cantrell? (RR)

Top 10 Possible Career Changes For Lindsay Lohan: Yep, someone just lost another film role. (WIMB)

Sex and the City: The Movie has been eagerly awaited by fans of the show for—oh, about thirty years now, and when it finally hits the screen in a few weeks it seems fairly sure to be a major moneymaker. So it’s no surprise the promotional tie-ins are beginning to appear, and the first seems entirely appropriate. The Mr. Big vibrator, named after Carrie Bradshaw’s longtime heartthrob, is going on sale in the UK for a mere £30. (Which at current exchange rates, is something like $437.00.) Technically the vibrator is supposed to mark the tenth anniversary of the first appearance of The Rabbit, Charlotte’s special battery-powered friend on the TV series, and any connection with the release of the movie is completely coincidental. Still, one website is offering fans who see the movie a 50 percent discount on the purchase of Little Mr. Big. No word yet on when 7-Eleven is going to release that Kristin Davis set of Big Gulp glasses.

Amy Winehouse may look like she’s training for an Ethiopian marathon, but apparently, she’s on break at the recording studio. Let’s hope that’s the case.

More lovely imagery can be found here, including the crackage of Kristian Marr, who is somehow dating the gorgeous Sadie Frost.

(This is all Sondra K.’s fault.)

Over the weekend, Tom Cruise, along with wifebot Katie Holmes and daughter Suri, babysat the children of David & Victoria Beckham during an L.A. Galazy soccer game. Poor Suri looks as if she’s about to give up the gig at any moment.

In other news, Cruise’s vainglorious attempts to embody hero Claus von Stauffenberg have been thwarted yet again with news that Valkyrie has been postponed (for a second time) until an unspecified release date in 2009:

The film is not only a blow to Cruise as an actor but in his more recent incarnation as a movie mogul at United Artists (UA), the studio which made the film.

One critic in Hollywood has declared “Valkyrie is dead”, with another arguing that the film’s problems could also wreck the revival of UA.

UA’s first major film, Lions for Lambs, a story about the Iraq war with Cruise and Meryl Streep starring and Robert Redford directing, flopped.

Valkyrie was shot on a budget of $90 million dollars but has reportedly left test audiences somewhere between frigid and amused, with “[t]he quality of Cruise’s German accent” and laughable portrayal of a Nazi standing out as a major issues. If not for that massive budget (and that hot Nazi ass), I would be willing to bet that the film would be shelved indefinitely. However, the possibility for box-office disaster is almost certain, and some critics wonder if Cruise will ever recover his selling power:

Roger Friedman, who has a widely read film blog and a column on foxnews.com, recently advised Cruise, who was formerly married to Nicole Kidman, to “do another Jerry Maguire-like comedy” to get his acting career back on track.

Sorry, but that is a terrible fucking idea. After all, Tom Cruise currently appears as a bad stand-up comedy act on a daily basis. The guy needs to hunker down in his Telluride, Colorado bunker for a few years. Only after a nice vacation from Cruise will the public be willing to accept him again, and his most likely possibility for success would be in one of his vapid action films.

Meanwhile, we have a slight update to the Cruise Ship Of Doom story. As per Scientology’s usual strategy, the method of dealing with the presence of blue asbestos on its Freewinds cruise ship is Deny. Deny. Deny.:

Private docking company CDM refused to comment and Scientology spokesman Karin Pouw denied the vessel is “under lock-down”.

She said it will be ready to sail later this month and added: “Freewinds is being restored to better than new condition and no expense has ever been spared in meeting the highest safety standards. It is undergoing a complete refit, including renovation of all cabins, accommodation facilities and upgrading all navigational and nautical equipment. The Freewinds regularly inspects air quality on board and always meets or exceeds US standards.”

Last night a spokes-man for Cruise, the church’s top “pin-up”, insisted that he had “absolutely no knowledge” of the current scare surrounding Freewinds.

That’s right, folks. Everything is just fine in the realm of Scientology. Run along now.

More creepy ass pictures (source: Daily Mail) from the L.A. Galaxy game below:

Previously: Tom Cruise: Hottest. Nazi. Ever.

I have a confession to make — very few musicians exist that I’d prefer to rescue me from peril than Jack White of the the Raconteurs and the White Stripes. Unfortunately, rock concerts themselves present immediate danger with little chance of such a rescue. At a 1996 Smashing Pumpkins concert in Dublin, Ireland, a 17-year old girl was once so severely crushed that she went into cardiac arrest and later died at a hospital. Even though 110 security guards were present, the girl’s trauma wasn’t noticed until it was too late. Of course, several other crowd stampede deaths have occurred at rock concerts, including shows by The Who, Public Enemy, AC-DC, and Pearl Jam.

Sometimes, these disasters are averted, and a recent Raconteurs show, Jack White himself noticed a girl who had fainted, so plucked her out of the crowd. The scoop comes from the Kansas City Star’s Back to Rockville blog:

•B2R reader Vicky said: “We were front, right. Seems the girl passed out and was handed forward. Jack came off stage and picked her up. She was very limp. He handed her off to the security, and she was taken backstage. After a few moments he was back on stage, recouped and finished “Carolina.” I hope she is OK. Wish it had been me.”

•Wrote KevRocket: “We were in the balcony, so we had a pretty clear view of the incident on the front row. A security person/bouncer stopped right in front of where the young lady was standing/leaning. He then walked away, and I saw Jack just staring that same direction. I knew something was wrong when Jack came to the edge of the stage. I was surprised when he ended up picking this girl up and out of harm’s way. I have seen a lot of concerts, and that was a first.”

Jack White quite likely saved this girl’s life. Do you think you’re gonna get that kind of service at a Justin Timberlake concert? Not bloody likely. JT wouldn’t want to ruin his precious manicure.

Jenna Bush’s gorgeous new wedding photos. (CB)

Beyonce wants your child to dress like a whore. (CS)

Nigella Lawson sure knows how to fellate. (Ayyyy!)

Cindy Crawford looks younger than Lohan and Spears. (IBBB)

Amy Winehouse wandered thru a traffic jam on the highway & went sunbathing. (TB)

World’s Ugliest Dog Contest: Too damn cute. (PB)

Hilary Clinton’s Emotion Field Guide. (DR)

Hugh Hefner shows more class than the tabloid shows. (POTP)

Justin Timberlake laughs like a little girl. (GB)

Rick Moranis totally wants to tap Pam Anderson’s ass. (PDIMH)

Jennie Garth returns to 90210. Tori Spelling to make voodoo doll. (SOMG)

Some idiot accidentally flipped Kelly Preston’s “on” switch. (HO)

Ultimate Indiana Jones Quiz: A nerdboy challenge has been issued. (LG)

Scientology’s “Fair Game Law”: Still in use to quash free speech of Anonymous Protesters. (Flea)

What Happens In Vegas, including Kutcher and Diaz, should definitely stay in Vegas. (Pajiba)

Thanks to a certain unruly & impish linkbitch, a certain story of years past is enjoying a renaissance of sorts. So, I may as well point to it here as well because, these days, I just don’t write about this stuff often enough. That seems like a proper introduction to the Obligatory Grossout Posting. Enjoy…

Charlie Sheen’s fiancée Brooke Mueller is all set to become Mrs. Sheen #3, apparently. The two are set to get married at the end of this month, in a casual ceremony. “No ties at my wedding,” Charlie vows. “It’s going to be hot. I want people to be comfortable.” In a switch from previous Sheen get-togethers, pants will be worn.

So that’s it. Brooke Mueller is either blind with love or some sort of scheming mantrap, edging out the competition to marry one of Hollywood’s most desirable recently single men. Who could pass up a chance to nail the man who shot Kelly Preston, indulged in hooker-cheerleader threesomes, left messages mocking his wife’s cancer-ridden mother, and was named a “Living Legend of Sex” by Maxim magazine? With this wedding, Brooke is sending a clear message to the rest of you Mrs. Charlie Sheen wannabes: “Back off, bitches! He’s taken!”